Real returns from paying attention to people

In the ongoing quest to "get more done," "move faster," and "be more productive," the relationships we have with colleagues often suffer. Why? Because in the hurry--hurry mindset, there isn't time to really be present for others when they are talking.

Consider two very different ways of interacting with people:

Just the facts, please. If you think that talking is only about an exchange of surface level information, then all you're ever doing is listening for that factoid. Everything else is overhead. Talk about the weather? Waste of time. Ask about your son? I'll do it because I'm supposed to. Compliment you on your shoes? Not sure what it has to do with the pending deadline. Look, can you get it done? Yes or no. Rush, rush, rush.

Listening as if people matter. If you genuinely value people for being people, as opposed to being holders of factoids or highly skilled robots that can do things for you, then you take an interest in who they are and what they are saying. Why? Because at some deep level you see them as people, and because of a deep belief in the power of genuine, person to person connection as not just a great way to live, but also as a great way to achieve results. I'd argue as well that on the high stakes issues, simple answers are misleading.


Consider that factoid you need right now. Are "the facts" always so simple, or do they have many nuances? Have you ever been asked a question in a brusque way by a very task focused person, who didn't seem to give a damn about you, and answered in an overly simplistic way that left out the most valuable information? Yes, technically you answered accurately but the real gold was in the story behind the answer.

I know that I've left out key information before, and it leaves me wondering how many times I've been that task-focused person who missed out on the gold because I was in such a huge hurry, and failed to really connect with the person in front of me.

You can probably guess where I'm headed. If you really care about getting things done, invest in people! Take that extra moment to ask people how they are doing and really mean it. Get interested in what makes others human, and appreciate what they share with you. Within this context of connection, the game changing information can flow. Given the increasing complexity of the world, those who get access to this deeper level of information have a big advantage.

Look--I'm not saying that you need to spend 3 hours looking at photos from the Cancun vacation. But are you really so busy that you don't have 180 seconds to connect with someone about what they did on Saturday? When I hold listening workshops, people are amazed at how spacious--and rare--three minutes of attentive listening feels. It's worth experimenting with.

So take that extra moment--because often a moment is often all it takes--to pay extra attention. And consider that whatever the other person is saying, it must be important to them.

What makes it hard to see ourselves clearly?

The extent to which I can grow as a leader is directly related to the extent to which I can clearly see myself. But there are many barriers, such as:

• Harsh self judgment
  If I think that I "should" be perfect, then anything short of that is reason for harsh self criticism, which hurts, and in turn clouds self perception. To the extent that one can learn to observe self with compassion--not judgment--then more and more is revealed.
  
  
• Thinking "everyone else has it together, except for me"
  I've been fortunate to participate in some well run workshops in which participants had a safe space to share their worries and self perceptions. What comes up time and again is that most people struggle with the same issues! There is often a moment of silence in the room when a critical mass of people see "under the water" that everyone is paddling as much as they are.
   
• Concern about being blamed
  Remember as a kid the big concerns about fault? "It's not my fault!" These concerns don't seem to go away--they just go underground. I have a run-in with a colleague, and I so don't want it to be about me. I want her to be the problem, so that I'm the angel.

To recap, everyone struggles with these things, self judgment gets in the way, and experiment with being blamed. On the other side is great opportunity for leadership growth.

How hard is it for other people to deal with you?

It is so common in business and personal worlds to talk about how difficult, unreasonable, temperamental everyone else is. And yet some of the most even keeled, mature people I know are able--and willing--to articulate the ways in which they are hard to deal with.

I have to think that there's a link between being able to genuinely see and share what's difficult about oneself, and the capacity for effectively working with others.

And yet such an exercise is easier said than done. Here are several ideas for getting insight into your rough edges.


Accept that everyone--even you--has rough edges
Let go of the notion that you are, or need to be, special when it comes to being tough to deal with. We all have our moments, our weaknesses, our triggers. Know yourself, accept yourself, and then you'll have the greatest ability to act out of intention, as opposed to reflex.

Use conflict as an opportunity for learning
Did you get in a tiff with someone? I was at a workshop where I had a "moment" with someone. It struck me that not everyone had that same experience--there must have been something about how I approached the interaction that contributed to where it ended up. That's where the gold is. Are there people who manage to get into fights with everyone? Yes, but they are rare. Most of the time there's something we could have done differently to get a better outcome. Find that.

Ask people you trust for feedback
This is a tricky one, but can pay handsome returns. The people you are around all of the time know you well. They have a lot to tell you, if you know how to get it from them. Will all of it be accurate? Heck no! But if you ask enough people, and encourage them to talk, you'll hear patterns and get some gems. Is it easy? Not for me, but when I ask people I trust, it's strengthened our relationship, and gotten easier over time.

Self knowledge is power. How well do you know "how hard it is for other people to deal with you?"

The Critical Trust Question

Many years ago I was the manager for a large website when one day, the phone rang.

On the line was “John” the manager for a new product group within the company. Several weeks prior, a critical member of my team, “Roger”, had asked for formal permission to interview for a position on John’s team.

It was the height of the Internet boom, and knowing that I couldn’t easily replace Roger, I reluctantly gave him permission to interview, with one big condition: he had to remain on my team for at least 90 days after they made him an offer. John agreed to my terms.

Now John’s team had just finished interviewing Roger, when my phone rang: 

John: “I’ve decided to make Roger an offer. I need him to start as soon as possible.”

Paul: “Right, in 90 days.”

John: “Paul, that’s not reasonable. I need him to start right away, but I’d be willing to give you two weeks.”

Paul: “No. It’s going to be tough enough to find a replacement for him in 90 days. How am I supposed to run my website?”

John: “I’ll tell you what. I have a contractor who I can lend you until you find someone else.”

Paul: “Is this contractor good?”

John: “Oh yes, he’s very good.”

Paul: “Why don’t you hire him?”

John: “Well, he’s just temporary, and not experienced enough for what I need.”

Paul: “So he isn’t sufficient for your needs, but you’re saying he is for mine? I don’t think so: we already agreed to 90 days and I’m going to stick to that.”

John: “Paul: I was hoping we could work this out between you and I: without getting anyone else involved.”

Paul: “Such as?”

John: “The VP. My product is a very high priority to him, and we’re already behind.”

Paul: “Well if you’re going to go to the VP, that’s up to you.”

John: “Fine, you’ll be hearing from him soon.”

So let’s recap what happened here.  John dealt in bad faith from the beginning, agreeing to my terms initially and then trying to change them later. Then when I wouldn’t take on the risk of using his contractor, he escalated to try to get his way. John was determined to meet his goals, regardless of the impact on me.

Fortunately for me, the VP, citing the original agreement, sided with me. And after hearing about my conversation with John, Roger had second thoughts about working for him. Roger ended up staying with my team.

This brings us to the important, but uncomfortable, question to ask before trusting:

Is trust called for here or am I likely to get “screwed over,” directly or indirectly, by this person?

Thus before asking “how do I build trust?” ask “is trust appropriate in this situation?” Because if you try to proceed with open arms in a case where the other person has no interest in a collaborative, trusting relationship, you could get hurt.

In retrospect, I may have been too trusting of John right from the start. If I could do it again, I would first ask around about John before agreeing to anything, especially given the stakes involved. His reputation may have preceeded him.

And even better, I’d take a page from yesterday’s blog and talk with him over coffee. In all honesty, at the time I would have probably said “I don’t have time,” but then look at what almost happened! This was a situation to handle carefully.

So what do you do if you determine that someone is a threat to you?  When you suspect that there’s a threat, think “caution,” not “trust”: at least until you get more data. Trusting in the wrong situation can lead to harm and bitterness.

If you are interested in learning more about adversarial situations, the book “The 48 Laws of Power” is packed with stories from throughout history about the use (and misuse) of power.

Before I conclude, I need to give an important caveat: it’s easy to misjudge someone else’s actions and think that they are a threat, when actually they aren’t. Such misjudgments can turn potentially collaborative situations into competitive ones. In the words of a wise teacher of mine, “Pay attention.”

Thought questions:

• Do you tend to trust too quickly, or too slowly?
• How do you make these decisions?

Laying the groundwork for trust

I once worked for a semiconductor company, in a business development role. I was new to the industry and so when “Doug” the test manager invited me for a tour of the test floor, I readily agreed.

We spent about an hour touring the facility, discussing the challenges of the test floor, and generally getting to know each other. As interesting as it all was, I couldn’t have explained exactly why it made sense for a biz-dev guy to be touring the test floor.

But Doug mentioned that over the years he’d found it to be a good investment of his time, so I decided to go with it. Little did I know that not long afterwards, I’d find out how right he was.

A few months later, I was in charge of a struggling product when a large, promising customer appeared. They wanted product: ASAP. And so based on a quick discussion with engineering, I gave them a date by which they’d have their shipment. But I had made a critical mistake.

Although the folks in engineering could guess at the turnaround times, it was the people on the test floor who actually delivered. And based on the official delivery windows, my parts were going to be several weeks later than I’d promised. I was in trouble, and I needed Doug’s help.

Fortunately, because of the hour that Doug and I had spent on the test floor, we already knew each other. We hadn’t worked together yet, but we were miles ahead of being anonymous people on org charts.

This familiarity made all the difference for me, and I suspect for Doug as well. My knowledge of him helped me to stay calm, choose the right strategy, and collaborate on a solution. Either of us could have panicked: threats, escalation, drama: but we didn’t, and the goal was met. One hour spent months before, at Bob’s initiative, turned out to be a great investment in getting results.

“Wait a second: what do you mean get to know people? I don’t have that kind of time. And besides, it’s not my job.”

If you need to interact with others to get your job done, building connection is an easy way to become much more effective.  And it doesn’t have to take a lot of time. For instance a simple coffee or lunch with a coworker can make a big difference down the line.

On that topic, I find the “team lunch” to be a tough one in which to build person-to-person rapport.  For me, a one on one setting is the most effective way to develop these ties. And if we can have a conversation that includes meaningful non-work topics, such as where we’re from, and what matters to us outside of work, then we can develop a sense for each other.

It doesn’t mean that you have to become best friends with someone, or tell them everything about yourself. It’s about gradually developing connection, at a pace that makes sense.

You may not realize it but in these conversations you are getting a lot of important information about the person: data that will inform your actions, especially when the going gets tough.

And it works for the other person, too: as they get to know you better, you become less threatening, and the interactions take on a calmer feel. That calm connection is the fuel for great collaboration.

Idea: You eat lunch anyhow, right? Go for lunch with a coworker, one on one, and include non-work topics in your discussion.